


Fortune’s Fold

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9793712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Kathryn deals with the repercussions of her homecoming. Some angst but a happy ending. Thanks to Sir Walter Raleigh for the title.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the VAMB 5th Anniversary Challenge 2008

The answer in the end was simple. It had to be done. She couldn’t put it off any longer.

Kathryn stared at the small cargo container sitting in the corner of her bedroom. It had been there for almost a week now, mocking her with its presence. Her other belongings had been dealt with almost as soon as they’d been beamed from the ship. She’d put away all the things she wanted to keep, discarded most of her out-dated clothing and organised storage for the larger items. However, she’d deliberately avoided this container.

As pathetic as it might sound, she was having trouble generating enthusiasm for the undertaking. Being home and coming to terms with that reality was taking up most of her time and energy. Sorting through this particular box, which stored her most personal Voyager mementos, had somehow evolved from a minor annoyance into an insurmountable hurdle. What began as a simple case of procrastination had escalated into a fully-fledged case of avoidance.

It was fear that had her baulking at the prospect. Dealing with the items in this box was destined to be an emotional and unsettling experience and deep down she wasn’t quite sure if she was up to the task. In her mind, the contents symbolized all the guilt, bad decisions and mistakes she’d made during her seven years in the Delta Quadrant; not something she wished to confront but, it couldn’t put off forever. Ignoring it certainly wasn’t going to make it go away so there was nothing left to do but get it done. As a somewhat twisted form of self-therapy, Kathryn had decided that this day, the last of 2377, was the perfect time to deal with this final obstacle and put it behind her.

It was New Year’s Eve and tomorrow heralded the beginning of a new chapter in her life. She intended to start 2378 with a clean slate; to embrace her new life and new direction relieved of the burden of past mistakes and regrets. These thoughts had been incentive enough to get her moving.

Her mother and sister had offered to help, but this was something she had to tackle on her own. These were _her_ ghosts and demons, therefore it was her responsibility to exorcise and expunge them. She certainly didn’t want Phoebe rifling through the box. There was no telling what she might find or how she might interpret her discoveries.

For Kathryn, each keepsake was imbued with a memory of someone or something from her seven-year journey. Packing them had been difficult and unpacking them was going to be equally hard but she needed to do it – to spend time alone dealing with the emotions they stirred, without having to explain them to anyone.

Taking a deep breath, she eased the lid off the crate, looked inside and sighed, her shoulders sagging. This was going to be harder than she thought. The first article she pulled from the container was her medicine bundle. The wash of memories was intense and hugging the soft fur-wrapped pack to her chest, she sat with a thud on the edge of the bed. Closing her eyes, she cast her mind back over the last week – anything to avoid thinking about the man and the memories that this item evoked.

* * *

After seven long years of fighting their way home across the Delta Quadrant, their actual return happened incredibly quickly. It was all over in a day. One minute they were thirty thousand light years from home, risking life and limb in a battle with the Borg, racing through the transwarp conduits as they collapsed around them, and the next they were in orbit around Earth. Voyager landed, families appeared to claim their lost loved ones and before Kathryn knew what was happening, everyone was gone. Her beloved crew had disbanded and disappeared before she’d had the chance to say a proper goodbye.

There hadn’t been much time to dwell on their departure, however before she was caught up in a whirlwind of interviews, dinners and gatherings. She spent as much time as she could with her mother and sister during those first few days, but there were also consultations with Starfleet brass, meetings and briefings, plus the sad task of meeting with the families of those who hadn’t made it home.

This onerous responsibility to pass on treasured possessions and give comfort to those closest to the deceased had rested solely on Kathryn’s shoulders, and as much as she thought she’d been prepared for this duty, it left her shattered in the aftermath. Each heart-wrenching interview reawakened the memory of those lost and opened a corresponding wound in her heart. She felt a renewed sense of responsibility and guilt for failing those crew and their families. For almost half an hour she’d sat unmoving after Joe Carey’s wife had left, her emotions so jagged and raw that it was impossible to achieve any sort of closure. She was exhausted, both emotionally and physically but there was still so much to do.

The evenings gave her no respite. They were spent being ferried from one Starfleet function to another; the Federation public relations office were determined to wring every last drop of positive spin out of Voyager’s miraculous return. As captain of the intrepid Starship, Kathryn had been in constant demand. The press were on continuous Voyager watch, her face was plastered over countless newsvids and static press feeds, she barely had a moment to herself. Voyager’s homecoming was the topic of most conversations and her name was on everyone’s lips. Overnight she’d become a celebrity and it was the last thing she wanted.

Kathryn’s existence took on an eerie sense of unreality as she was whisked here, there and everywhere. In the first forty-eight hours, her feet barely touched the ground and in all the harried excitement, it was difficult to grasp that she really was home. On a perpetual high, she’d gotten little sleep, running virtually on adrenalin alone with the odd dash of caffeine thrown in for good measure. That was until Gretchen had finally put her foot down and insisted that Christmas be spent quietly at home in Indiana with no press, no photographers and _no_ interference from Starfleet.

The idea sounded wonderful to Kathryn and she smiled now as she remembered the look on Admiral Hayes’ face as her mother marched up to him at the Admiralty Christmas Eve party, interrupting as he was busily reeling off another long list of scheduled appointments and meetings for Kathryn to attend.

Gretchen had been in full mother-lioness mode and, not one to mince words at the best of times, she’d bailed up the unsuspecting Admiral and let fly with a tirade worthy of a Tellarite diplomat. “Jack Hayes, put away that PADD, back off and leave my daughter alone.”

He’d puffed up like a toad, ready to argue but Gretchen hadn’t given him the chance. Pointing her finger at the hapless man, she’d reduced him to a quivering mess in a matter of moments. “Don’t even think of giving me lip, young man. I’ve known you since you were a wet behind the ears Lieutenant and I didn’t put up with your shenanigans then and I’m certainly not going to put up with them now. Kathryn is going to have a few weeks of well deserved rest and quiet, starting right this minute – and if you don’t like it, I suggest you lodge a formal complaint and see how far that gets you.”

Hayes sputtered, choked and turned a disturbing shade of maroon, but in the end, he’d had no choice but to acquiesce to Gretchen’s demands. She was a formidable woman when she wanted to be. Kathryn hadn’t come by her forthright nature by chance.

Seeing him lost for words had been a special treat for Kathryn and she’d been suitably impressed. Hayes was renowned for being a windbag, and her mother had managed to achieve the impossible by elegantly and efficiently deflating him.  Possibly permanently.

God, it was good to be home.

Having her mother in her corner was such a comfort. For the first time in seven years, Kathryn wasn’t responsible for every decision made and it was a welcome relief to know that she could finally relax and let down her guard.

After leaving the reception, they’d transported directly to Indiana where Kathryn literally collapsed in a heap and slept for close to sixteen hours straight. She’d crawled from her bed late Christmas morning, making it the short distance to the living room couch, where she’d curled up in front of the fire to continue her much needed rest and recuperation.

A short time later, Phoebe, her husband Richard, and their two children had joined Kathryn and their mother for a quiet Christmas lunch. With only family there, Kathryn felt secure enough to sit back and simply observe the proceedings. She was aware that her behaviour was a little ‘off’ and that she was more withdrawn and quieter than usual, but hoped her family would understand her reserve. She was still rather shell-shocked and it was going to take her time to come to terms with being home. Phoebe had cast several concerned glances her way but thankfully hadn’t made an issue of it during the meal. Kathryn knew though, that when the time came, Phoebe wouldn’t be so circumspect.

There had been a heavy fall of snow the night before and after lunch, Gretchen, Richard and the girls had gone outside to build a snowman. Phoebe took the opportunity to sit with Kathryn and get down to some of the nitty gritty regarding her state of mind. This was the interrogation that Kathryn had known was coming and she braced herself for it aware that Phoebe would be up front and blunt.

Kathryn wasn’t wrong.

Without preamble, her sister went straight for the jugular. Letting all pretence drop, she stared at Kathryn with worried eyes. “So, how are you really?”

Kathryn shrugged dully. “I’m thrilled to be home.”

Phoebe raised her eyebrows and blinked slowly. “Yes, you sound ecstatic.”

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn shrugged again and tried to smile. She could tell from the look on Phoebe’s face that she wasn’t fooled or impressed, and waited for the next volley.

They weren’t long in coming. Phoebe continued. “So, this is what has become of my sister. We sent off a woman, full of life, and look what we got in return; I feel gypped. You’d better have a good excuse you know, because I’m pretty pissed.”

Kathryn chuckled at her sister’s feigned indignation. Diplomacy had never been one of her strong suits. “I’m fine, Phoebe. Really. Just exhausted and still getting used to the idea of being home. I’ve got a lot to catch up on, not to mention almost seven years worth of sleep.”

“I understand that but it’s not what I’m talking about. You say you’re glad to be home, but it’s as if you’re not really here. I’m worried.” She gripped Kathryn’s hands trying to impress upon her what she meant.

Kathryn understood all too well. “In a way I’m not really here. I’ve had to stifle and repress so much of me over the years that it’s going to take some time to find myself again.”

Phoebe stared at her. She looked horrified and opened her mouth to say something.

Kathryn pulled her hand from her sister’s grasp and held it up to forestall her. “I didn’t want to, but I had to; for my survival as well as the crew’s. I had a lifetime of command ahead of me and because of those circumstances, I couldn’t afford to become emotionally involved. I was their captain and they were my crew and _my_ responsibility. You know how it is.”

Phoebe snorted. “Of course I do, I know the ins and outs of Starfleet protocol but what you call survival, I call a living hell. I can’t believe you would keep yourself isolated like that. Kathryn it isn’t you. Wasn’t there some way around the rules, some means of compromise? What the hell happened and, more importantly, _who_ let it happen? You said that Chakotay was your best friend. I thought he was supposed to look after you. It was his job wasn’t it?”

This barrage was too much to fend off in one go and Phoebe’s well-aimed questions found the chinks in Kathryn’s armour, her eyes revealed her distress.

Phoebe saw the pain she’d caused and before Kathryn knew what was happening, she was hauled her into a bone-crushing hug. Phoebe whispered in her ear. “Why didn’t you tell him? He should have known.”

Kathryn frowned at Phoebe’s interpretation of events and tried to set her straight. “Tell who, what? If you mean Chakotay, there was nothing to tell. He was my friend and he did take care of me, as much as I would allow him to. It’s not his fault.”

Phoebe pulled away and traced her finger along the deep frown line between Kathryn’s eyebrows. “This is though. I’ve seen this before. You only get _this_ when you suppress your emotions. You fell in love with him didn’t you? “

Kathryn looked aghast. “ _No_ , I did not fall in love with him.”

“Hell, I wouldn’t blame you. He’s gorgeous.”

“I did _not_ fall in love with Chakotay.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

_“Did not.”_

**“ _Did too.”_**

Phoebe arched her eyebrow and stared at her sister. Kathryn could tell that she wasn’t going to let this go but suddenly it all seemed so ridiculous – arguing like three-year-olds. Her mouth twitched and within seconds, both of them were falling all over each other laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, they flopped back against the couch, exhausted and Kathryn reached across, taking Phoebe’s hand. “God, it’s good to see you, Phoebes. I’ve missed you so much. I haven’t done that in years. Thank you.”

Phoebe was grinning from ear to ear. “Anytime, but I still say you were in love with him.”

Kathryn shook her head and was about to deny it again, but then realised that she didn’t have to anymore. This was her sister – the one person in the world whom she could trust with the truth. She nodded sadly to Phoebe. “You’re right. I did fall in love with him, but it was a long time ago and it didn’t survive the years and traumas. It doesn’t matter anyhow, he’s with Seven now and very happy. He’s still a dear friend and that’s how it should be.”

Phoebe frowned at Kathryn, her hazel eyes revealing that she was unconvinced but then her look softened in sympathy. Kathryn met her gaze squarely, knowing that Phoebe understood at least in part – she was an Admiral’s daughter too and not unaware of the sacrifices expected of Starfleet officers.

At that point, the rest of the family arrived back and Phoebe dropped the subject but Kathryn knew it would be revisited somewhere along the line.

They spent the rest of the afternoon watching the children open presents and revelling in the quiet joy of being with one another again.

Phoebe and her family left early the next day and for the rest of the week, there’d been only Kathryn and Gretchen in the house. The tranquillity of the Indiana winter brought with it a welcome respite and Kathryn’s weary soul slowly began to heal. Soaking up the silence and solitude, she’d enjoyed her time alone with her mother. Gretchen, she knew, was keeping a close eye on her, taking the opportunity to pamper and spoil her. She insisted that Kathryn sleep as much as possible and ensured her waking hours were peaceful and calm, filled with quiet conversation and meal after meal of delicious home cooking.

Thanks to her mother’s gentle ministrations and the restful familiarity of her childhood home, Kathryn finally accepted the fact that she was indeed back on Earth and not part of some alien induced delusion or Delta Quadrant chicanery. On odd occasions since her arrival, she’d been gripped by an unsettling fear that perhaps she wasn’t really here at all; that it was all an illusion and she would eventually wake up in sickbay, with the Doctor and Chakotay hovering over her. They had fallen prey to this type of cruel manipulation more than once in the Delta Quadrant and she felt she was justified in being wary. Cynicism edged with suspicion had become the gauge by which she’d learned to measure situations during their exile and it was a hard mindset to break. For the first few days, she’d had to stop from pinching herself to make sure she was really here. It had been almost a week now and at last, the reality was settling securely.

She was home.

Still hugging the medicine bundle, Kathryn heaved a sigh. She and Gretchen were meeting Phoebe in San Francisco for a party at Starfleet Headquarters   this evening. It would be the first time that the crew had gathered in one place since Voyager’s arrival, and Kathryn was so looking forward to seeing everyone again. She and her mother would be leaving later this afternoon so it was time to deal with this last box of belongings.

Stroking the soft fur of her medicine bundle one last time she placed it on the bedside table and moved back to the container.

Determined now to get it over with, she lifted the mementos one by one from the box, taking a moment to revisit each memory. The items ranged from the battered cup from her ready room – every dent an emblem of a battle fought and won, holoimages of New Earth and happy time, pictures that Naomi had drawn for her, books and presents from the crew, a rose pressed between the pages of Dante’s Inferno and a myriad of other keepsakes from shore leaves, first contacts and missions. There were several items bequeathed to her by crewmen who had died along the way and these held a deep resonance for her. They brought the burning sting of tears to her eyes, and a resurgence of the guilt she felt for these individuals’ deaths; something she would have to live with for the rest of her life.

With her emotions barely under control, she found a place in her room for each item and within the hour, the box was empty. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she replaced the lid on the empty container and turned back towards the bed.

Her medicine bundle seemed to beckon and without analysing her motives too deeply she decided that a vision quest would be an excellent starting point in her search for herself. At this point in time, she would much rather speak to her animal guide than expose herself to some unknown counsellor and have them bumble their way through the quagmire of her psyche. There would be time enough for that in the weeks to come once the debriefings and the official Counselling sessions began.

There were still several hours before she had to be ready to beam to San Francisco; plenty of time to consult her guide and see where her quest would take her. It had been some time since she’d attempted one and, although a bit rusty with the ritual, she hoped that it would come back to her.

All these thoughts brought Chakotay to the forefront of her mind and with a deep pang of regret, she admitted to herself that she missed him dreadfully and it was going to take time for her to get used to his absence. They hadn’t spoken all week and it occurred to her that it was probably the longest they’d been apart in years. The thought of him brought a smile to her face but a surge of sadness quickly followed. Their relationship would never be the same. She was genuinely happy for him but now that he was with Seven, the dynamic of their friendship was destined to change. It wasn’t only that they wouldn’t be working together anymore or living on the same ship; he was in a committed relationship and she was on her own, their lives would take them in very different directions. There would be no more shared meals and shore leaves, no more time spent alone in each other’s company, dropping by each other’s quarters late at night for coffee. Yes, she would miss him very much.

It seemed churlish of her to have these sorts of regrets – considering the alternative of living the Admiral’s life in the other timeline but, although it was wonderful to be home, Kathryn wished that things hadn’t had to change so dramatically and so fast.

If only she’d had time to adjust to the idea of being separated from him and the crew. It had all been so sudden – the Admiral’s shocking revelations, the race to ready Voyager, then the dash through the Borg conduits – there hadn’t been time to let it all sink in or contemplate the ramifications of what being home would mean for them.

She wondered how Chakotay was faring and whether he was having any separation issues but the matter was most likely moot – he had Seven to keep him occupied. The mental picture accompanying that thought was something she didn’t want to contemplate and, snatching her medicine bundle from the bedside table, she cast the thoughts from her mind and sat on the floor to prepare herself.

With great care, she unrolled the fur bundle and smiled. Its contents held great emotional significance for her and as she picked up each one, she held them in her hand, caressing them gently. The river stone from New Earth, a small piece of the conduit from the duplicate Voyager, the necklace from Caylem, a dried rose and a feather from Chakotay’s blackbird’s wing, both gifts from her former first officer.

She arranged all the items and, taking a deep breath, cleared her mind. Placing her hand over the akoona she recited the incantation. “A-koo-chee-moya. I am close to the sacred place of my grandfathers and the bones of my people and pray on this day of new beginnings that the spirits hear and speak to me. Perhaps there is a powerful being that will embrace me and give me the answers I seek.” Allowing her eyes to close, she imagined Chakotay’s voice urging her to take deep breaths to fuel the light in her belly and to allow it to expand until there was light everywhere. She could feel herself drifting, her consciousness altering and her sensory perceptions changing. After taking another deep steadying breath, she slowly opened her eyes. She’d expected to find herself on the beach she usually visited in her quests or in the clearing on New Earth, but much to her surprise she found herself back on Voyager’s Bridge.

She gasped and Chakotay turned towards her from his place at her side. “Kathryn?”

Kathryn looked around the familiar room, the place she’d spent most of the last seven years of her life. It was obviously early in their voyage. They were younger, less harried looking and the ship appeared less tattered and worn. Her hand drifted up to her neck where she could feel the pull of her tight bun and, looking back at Chakotay, she noticed that his hair was shorter and there were fewer lines on his face. At this point in the journey, they’d still been filled with enthusiasm and hope of finding a quick way home. It was before they’d endured most of the losses and dreadful punishments that the Delta Quadrant had meted out over the years.

Glancing around the room again, she couldn’t take her eyes off the crew. Kurt Bendera was at the Tactical Station, Marie Kaplan at the Science station, Peter Durst was at Ops and Joe Carey at Engineering. There were others as well, Bennet, Cavit, Hogan; Stadi at the helm, and it took Kathryn a moment to realise that apart from Chakotay, all the crew manning the Bridge stations were those who had died on the voyage home.

She swung towards Chakotay and stared at him panic-stricken, her heart pounding and her body beginning to shake. What were they all doing here? What did they want? Unable to control the sense of dread and the terrible guilt that swamped her, she tried to move but couldn’t. For a moment, she thought she would scream but Chakotay took her hand and held it firmly in his. Looking into her eyes, he smiled gently. “It’s all right, Kathryn. Don’t be afraid.”

Fighting hard for control, she took a deep breath but the trembling wouldn’t stop. She gritted her teeth in an effort to stifle her distress. “I’m not afraid.”

“You are, but it’s all right. You’ll be fine. This is something that you have to do. If you ever want to move on with your life, it’s important that you leave all this behind. You have the strength, Kathryn, you always have.” He looked up with affection at the men and women around them. “This is also for them – your final act as their Captain. They want to say goodbye. They need you to let them go.”

Closing her eyes, she swallowed and then slowly opened them and looked around her. He was right; it was the least she could do. She owed them her life and her deepest gratitude; however, in order to free herself, and them, she had to let go.

Pulling her hand from Chakotay’s she stood, turning towards them. Her lost crew – all the precious souls she hadn’t been able to bring home, everyone whom she had left along the way.

Chakotay also stood, and taking his place beside her, he nodded to Kurt Bendera. The man stepped forward and took Kathryn’s hand. He squeezed it gently, placing his other hand over the top of hers. His grip was warm and reassuring. “It’s good to see you again, Captain.” There was no malice, no retribution.

Kathryn swallowed and nodded. “You too, Crewman.”

With a gentle smile, he let go of Kathryn’s hand and gave Chakotay a friendly slap on the shoulder. “See you around, my friend.”

Bendera began to walk away, but turned back to smile at Kathryn and Chakotay. “Look after each other.” Then jogging up the steps, he hit the button to the turbo lift and disappeared through the doors.

The next person to approach was Marie Kaplan. She kissed Kathryn’s cheek and whispered, “Thank you for what you said to my parents. Be happy, Captain.” And before Kathryn could say anything, she too disappeared into the turbolift.

Joe Carey stepped forward next and grinning, threw his arms around her and gave her a hug. “The model of Voyager you gave to my son; he finished it, you know and he was so proud. Thank you, Captain.”

Kathryn smiled through her tears but couldn’t speak – her throat gripped so tightly by grief and sorrow. Joe hugged her again and whispered quietly. “It will be all right, Captain. Some things are meant to be.”

He took Chakotay’s hand, shook it firmly and, following the others, disappeared into the turbo lift.

One after another, Voyager’s lost came to Kathryn to say their goodbyes. They absolved her of any guilt or wrongdoing, encouraged her to express her sorrow, sharing in her tears as she said her farewells. She cried unashamedly; at last able to tell them how honoured she was to have served with them and how proud she was to have been their captain.

Throughout the entire experience, Kathryn was acutely aware of Chakotay’s comforting presence. He stood beside her, close enough to her left shoulder that she could feel the warmth of him but not too close that he interfered with this soul-bearing ritual.

A smiling Lieutenant Stadi waved from the open door of the turbo lift and once it hissed shut, she and Chakotay were at last alone. The trembling had finally stopped but Kathryn was emotionally shattered; her heart however, felt freer than it had in many years.

She turned slowly to Chakotay.

This final farewell would be the hardest of all. Saying goodbye to this man was going to break her heart. The others were easy by comparison, but she knew it was necessary if she were ever to move on with her life. Taking a deep breath, she reached out her hand, taking his and placing her other hand on his chest. The touch gave her strength.

“Chakotay, I may not ever have the chance to say these things to you in reality; to say goodbye and express what is truly in my heart. And even though it is long overdue, I need you to know just how much you have meant to me over the years. Your unerring loyalty, your kindness, friendship and …your love have sustained me and kept me whole. I could never tell you how much I loved you even though, in my own way, I tried to show you, but it wasn’t to be.” She took a deep shuddering breath, fighting fresh tears. “I will always love you, my dear, dear friend. I wish things could have been different and I take full responsibility for that. My excuse is that I only knew one way of bringing Voyager home and that was to keep you at arm’s length and to devote myself wholly to the mission. I can tell you now that it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But for your sake, as well as the crew’s, that was how it had to be. Losing your love and forfeiting our future is something I deeply regret and I will have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. Be happy, my dearest Chakotay. Have a long and joyous life. You will always have a place in my heart.”

With this final resolution, Kathryn expected the vision quest to end but she remained standing in front of Chakotay, his dark eyes looking deeply into hers.

He placed his hand over hers where it rested on his chest, grasping it tightly as he spoke. “We do not end here, Kathryn Janeway. We never end. I am waiting for you still. My heart is yours. Always.”

Leaning forward, his lips met hers. The touch was unexpected but so dearly wanted that Kathryn closed her eyes, her mouth softening under his as their lips pressed together gently. She could smell his scent and taste him. It seemed so real. The warmth of his body pushed firmly into hers and his arms wrapped around her, holding her safe and secure. She didn’t want the vision quest to end. What a cruel trick to play on her when she was at her most vulnerable. She’d come to terms as best she could with his loss and now her mind was tormenting her with this. If she had any sense she would pull away but instead her hands slid around his neck and she held on for dear life. As hard as she tried to maintain the vision, it began to fall away like gauzy veils in a breeze and she cried into his mouth at the injustice of it all.

Reality snapped back like an elastic band, but to her astonishment, she could still feel his lips on hers and his arms around her. She wrenched her mouth away and stared. He was there. Chakotay was sitting on her bedroom floor opposite her, staring at her with those warm familiar eyes and lips moist with their kisses.

“Wha…” Before she did anything else, she pinched the skin on her forearm, hard. “Ouch!”

Chakotay sat back on his haunches, but took her arm and rubbed his hand over the red mark. “Why did you do that?”

“I had to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.”

He shook his head, smiling. “I’m no dream.”

“The hell you aren’t!” With a sob, she lunged forward, planting her lips firmly on his, knocking him backwards onto the floor and kissing him hard. Tears were streaming down her face and she cried as she kissed him, her breath catching and her body shuddering, but she didn’t care. After everything she’d been through this afternoon, this was a dream come true and she wasn’t about to let this moment pass. Saying goodbye to her lost crew had almost destroyed her but it also proved to her how vital it was to tell those who were still living how much you loved them, or in Chakotay’s case, show him.

Eventually, she needed to breathe and dragging her lips away from his, rested her head on his shoulder. She was laying full length along his body, holding him as tightly as she could. The trembling had eased but her breath still caught every so often; her emotional barriers had been completely demolished during her vision quest.

So many of her regrets had been tied to her inability to keep all her crew safe; each death a blight on her heart and a reminder of her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s array and commit them all to the dangers of a lifetime of exile in the Delta Quadrant. She’d held their deaths close, their ghosts cocooned inside her as a constant reminder of her failure. They were the foundation of the barrier that had kept her isolated from the crew and this man, but knowing now that each of those dear souls was at peace and continuing their journey meant that she was free at last.

Her arms convulsively pulled tighter around him, and without dislodging her, Chakotay sat up slowly, keeping her in his arms.

Kathryn brushed her hair away from her face as he tilted her chin so he could see her.

Wiping her tears, she frowned. “How did you know to come?”

“I heard you.”

“I didn’t call.”

“You didn’t have to. I hear you here, Kathryn.” He placed his hand over his heart. “My spirit guide came to me and told me you needed me. We are connected; we always have been.”

“So it seems.”

Kathryn closed her eyes and rested her forehead against his jaw. She needed to know if what he’d said in her vision quest was true. Did he still love her or was it merely her imagination? Drawing back, she lifted her hand to his face, caressing his cheek, her fingers lightly tracing his lips. He looked tired but his eyes were bright with passion. “Do you still love me, Chakotay?”

“Yes, Kathryn, with all my heart.”

“What about Seven?”

“She’s fine. Happily visiting with her aunt and looking forward to seeing you at the party tonight.”

“You’re not…?” Kathryn waved her hand between him and the ether.

He shook his head. “No, Seven and I shared a few meals. She had something of a crush on me, a hangover from a holoprogram she’d been experimenting with. The Doctor and I thought it was important for her to see that the real me was very different from the one she’d created on the holodeck.”

Kathryn’s eyes opened wide. “A holoprogram? But the Admiral said…”

Chakotay smiled as he idly stroked her hair and her face. “I thought she must have said something but, whatever it was, it doesn’t matter. Her future isn’t ours; everything has changed now. The moment she stepped foot on the ship, our lives took a different path.” He ran his fingertips across her cheeks, wiping away the remaining tears. “Are you all right? You were very distressed during your vision quest.”

Kathryn nodded slowly as she spoke. “I haven’t attempted one in years but it was very different to what I’ve experienced in the past. I didn’t think I’d get through it.”

He frowned. “Get through what?” His hand stilled, palm resting against her neck, his fingers in her hair and his thumb caressing her cheek. “What happened Kathryn?”

She gazed past him, remembering with deep affection all of the cherished people whom she’d farewelled. A gentle smile softened her features. “I said goodbye to them all and at last let them go.”

Chakotay looked puzzled.

She took a deep breath. “They were all there on Voyager’s Bridge. Everyone I lost, Cavit, Stadi, Bendera, Hogan, Durst, Kaplan, Lang, Bennett, so many…even Joe Carey. They came to say goodbye.”

Chakotay’s face crumpled. “Oh, Kathryn.” He kissed her forehead, his arms tightening around her.

After taking another deep shuddering breath, she continued. “It was terrifying at first. I’ve carried the guilt for their deaths for so long and I thought they’d be angry. They weren’t though, they’d come to wish me well and to tell me that they were at peace. It was… incredible.” She sat up straighter and turned towards him. “You were there too. Beside me as you’ve always been – supporting me and giving me strength. I said goodbye to you too. I thought my heart would break.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Kathryn. I never will.”

Smiling, Kathryn focused on his lips, touching them lightly with her own. “I know that now and thank you.” She sighed, resting her head back on his shoulder. “I’m exhausted.”

“Do you want to rest?”

“I think I need to. Mom knows you’re here?”

“Yes. She was surprised to see me but didn’t hesitate to let me in when I said that you needed me.”

As if on cue, there was a light tapping on the door. “Kathryn, may I come in?”

“Of course, Mom.”

“I just wanted to check that you were all right?” She looked worriedly at her daughter.

“I’m fine. I really am.” Both Kathryn and Chakotay stood, but they stayed glued to each other’s side.

“You’ve been crying, dear.” Gretchen moved closer and gently tilted Kathryn’s face to look at her. “But for the first time since you arrived home, you look happy. I’m so pleased.”

Kathryn smiled gently and kissed her mother’s cheek. “I am, Mom, at last.”

“Why don’t you two rest for a while and I’ll call when it’s time to get ready. I think you could both do with some sleep.”

Kathryn nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”

Gretchen cupped Chakotay’s face, pulled him down towards her and kissed his cheek. “It’s wonderful to have you both home at last.” She gripped both their hands before she turned and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Kathryn slipped out of her clothes, and slid naked between the sheets. Chakotay followed, climbing in beside her.

He pulled her close and Kathryn snuggled into his side, her head on his shoulder and her leg draped over his hips. She could feel his arousal but this wasn’t about sex, not yet. This was about love, commitment and devotion.

This was about living.

Wrapped in each other’s arms and finally at peace, they slept safe from harm.

fin


End file.
